Monday, October 20
This is the 444 post. It means DIE DIE DIE in chinese. So whatever.
I'm damn pissed and angry and bitchy today and although I say that these emotions are baseless, they are far from that. There are so many things to be angry about. So many things to be pissed about. So many things to be bitchy about.
Yes yes, I freaking know that life has the happy side to it. But I don't see it now. Not for today... Let me be frank now ok? Don't comment and don't judge. Just read if you really must and if you can't stand what you are reading, just go. Go away. I don't mind, seriously.
So you want to know what today is the above mentioned day? Because of every single thing that happened. From morning to night. Every single ticking second that goes on the hickery dickery fucking clock.
Cycling was so... sweaty and irritating. Fun yes but parental objections, they said it in a very subtle way but it was strong enough and Lyn parent's too.
Then when I went to school at the ungodly 830am when we were supposed to meet, the group members were not there. What do you want me to feel? Doctor appointment, sleep late, everything, whatever. It's not that its not right. It's just... Irritating. And here, I'm not saying that I'm not irritating. I FREAKING AM. But for such an irritating person to get irritated, it's quite a feat. The magnitude of irritating-ness. So that is fucked up. It's like, why do I even bother to wake up and go to school when everyone else is not there? I can sleep in right? And I also went out till late and I had to do my I&R myself right? Why must I do my part of the OP when I can come to school and do. It's like you make mistakes. You should learn from it. The mistake was made just some 3 days ago where we were the last group to hand in the WR because of the fault of everyone. And this news is like, spreaded to everyone. Check out this blog http://08s106.blogspot.com/ Yup, that's how screwed up we are. So ya, me posting this would most probably make things more screwed up but you know what? Things are so bloody screwed that it can't get any screwer. In fact, it can only get better. So whatever, stop being so selfish and think for everyone else.
This includes myself. I make mistakes too so shut up. And I vaguely remember being a mistake. Which is another angry/piss/bitchy issue. I feel so screwed because of this whole mistake thing and it has been bugging me for the longest time ever ever ever. So yes.
And as if the day couldn't get any worst, N came crying to the canteen. I really didn't know what to do. Helpless... I have very few good good good friends and always, things must happen to them. N, W, are most probably going to retain and I really don't know what to do.
Then I wanted to find comfort where I used to. But, I think that this place where I find comfort pains me too much that it doesn't help comforting me anymore. If you get what I mean. You wouldn't get it. I still miss this comfort. Alot.
N cried and W is going to cry tomorrow. Yet I cannot do anything to help. Won't you all feel useless? I do. Why must such things happen to good good good friends. I dont care about anyone else... Why them. I can't get over it. Just leave me and give me some time.
Then B, W and I met for lunch. It was possibly the few better thing that happened today. I know many people read this blog. Some don't confess, but they do. I don't care. You know what? We feel that you can't possibly be sick all the time and your uncle cant possibly break his leg all the time. Maybe it's true maybe it's not but it always happens, so how do you blame us? How? It's ok to tell the truth you know? We understand. It is less irritating. You dont have to avoid me, avoid us after you read this because this is my angsty/pissed/irritated/bitchy post and I probably don't mean the things that I just said. But you know what? These are just my thoughts, my sentiments. Everyone thinks about these things all the time. It's just that they don't say it out. I'm saying it out now.
So I returned to school, neglecting my poor group leader, which is also my good friend. Part of the reason why I'm so pissed and irritated at myself because after judging everyone else and getting pissed at them, I run away for lunch myself. Is this justified? No. That's why I feel so... Urghhh. Whatever.
So they day didn't just end. Yes, happy things here and there, but not significant because I was trapped in my own little bubble and world of unhappiness, thinking about all sorts of negativity. Had to cycle home. It was cool, undoublty but I was so tired. It was fun but I was tired. You see the contradiction?
Then I reach home and I'm faced with this pile of work even thought it is after the exams. I feel irritated. Then N smsed me. I felt sad. Then W called me and we talked. Tried to do whatever I can but I still feel sad. I don't know if it's for myself or for her and for them. You know it's so bloody unfair. This school system, so bloody sucky. It's so unfair. Like you know people can promote just because of the cca they are in. It's not to say that he don't deserve it. He is my friend too and I feel happy for him. But I feel v v v v v unfair for everyone else. I dont know why, I just do. Then L smsed me and tell me that she got scolded by her parents. And then KJ told me that he didn't do well for his exams and he's very worried about his combination.
You see, everyone is like so... sad. It's like, everything is going so wrong. I just want to go to sleep now and hope that everything will be ok after I wake up. But now, I'm going to do my op slides and script which will be dued by 11pm. Which is another thing that make me pissed. I'm sure at least one person will not hand in by 11pm due to whatever stupid reason they have. Whatever.
So this is the end to the 444 post. It should be the longest post ever and the most frank post I have ever posted in my life. So if you don't like what I'm saying, dont read. Close your eyes and rub them and go wash them. Then, you can delude yourself and then pretend that you never read any of this content before. See you all tomorrow. Goodbye.
express yourself {9:24 PM}
