Thursday, March 15
overwhelming. i know i should study and yet i dont. bah, i really need adam khoo. feel like working yet feel like playing. bah bah bah. wake up wake up wake up. fucking sec four already, fucking screwed the psle already, fucking failed in life so many times already. sometimes i feel i brought many things upon myself. wait, i dont feel i brought it upon myself, i brought it upon myself. and most of the time, things are done without thinking of consequences. well, that applies to me at least. its abit like my favourite teacher, srm noop, who say things without actually thinking and then after saying it, realise the impact and consequences but shruggs it off as she realises that what said is said and what done is done. but despite knowing that she's done wrong, continues doing it continuously. well, look! i share some similarity with my favourite teacher. bah, but i dont think its only me and fav teacher who does it. many do. actually, i think everyone does it, just how frequent they speak without thinking. so the next time, try thinking before you talk and make sure that you dont do something stupid. anyway, today was quite ok. x)x)x). came school early today with intentions of studying. tried playing the sax but my tone still suck to the max. bloody noob. wth, join something that i suck in. at least outdoor still need more physical strength and stuffs that are more fun and outgoing outdoorish, which is more me-ish. indoor. sit down play music, tries hard, tries very hard to breathe correctly, tries very hard to have a desired tone, tries very hard to play the pieces. but to any avail? i know im by far, not a good instrumentalist and i wont be touching the instrument anymore after i leave, i think. but still, i'll try my beset to do my best, for this indoor. the rhetorical question that mr azlan posed us. how far are you willing to go? i am willing to go any far. to any extent. maybe this is my last year, hence, willing to put in any amount of effort. im willing to like the hated. im willing to listen. im willing to be awake all the time during practice. im willing to get cut if i cant play well. but, it is just me whose willing, or is not. maybe others are thinking this way too. but from my view now, im just willing to do it and im not actually doing it. this mindset is stuck. so what if im willing? will others, too, be willing to do what i will to do. if others is not willing, why should i be willing. im just a nobody and since the figures of authorities seem not to be doing any of this willingness thing, then why should i? what difference can i make, what difference will i make if only i m willing. im only willing to do it, not doing it. i seem to be waiting for someone to make the first move, to show that tinge of motivation before i myself get motivated, so i will do what i will to do. but then again, if no one does it, my willingness will just be willing, but not doing it. i think everyone is willing, just waiting for someone, anyone, to start bringing out the willingness in them. so that's for the willingness part. for who am i willing to go? the first answer that comes to the mind would be the band. TK Band. yes, i want the band to get gold, not just gold, gold with honours. we have never ever gotten that status, for indoor. then, you think down. for whom, am i willing to go? im willing to go for the batch, our batch, my batch. we've been throught so much together. we had fun togethter, we laughed together, we cried together, we hated each other, we bitched about each other, we loved each other. and this bond, seemingly seems to push us closer, maybe, and nearer and make us wanna get the much desired gold with honours for our coming. we want to be the batch known to be the first to attain a gold with honours for indoor. four years, of together. im willing to go for the batch. as much as i disagree with them and them disagreeing with me, yes, the batch. then, the section. wiling to go, for the section. nothing kills to see them putting in so mcuh effort in whatever they do. same, disregarding rivaries, i mean, its seems extremely juvenile to hate someone now when you know that time heals and that some time later, you'll be friends/patch up/not hate the person again and when you realise that you shouldn't have let this juvenile action affect the performance, it'll be too late, it'll all be too late. playing the right parts at the right time, playing the right things rightly, getting the right rythmn, getting the right dynamics. slamming fives as we achieve these teeny weezy detail. it might seem exremely minimal, but yes, these minute things of the section make me willing to go for them. and who am i willing to go for? me me and me. no, im not selfish, self centered or anything. you yourself, i mean, me myself, is the first thing. if you cant get over yourself, would you even come for band at all? would you come for band frequently? would you come for band all the time? willing to go for oneself. thats to whom. one wills to go for oneself. one has the pride of the band. one feels the glory of the band. one is willing to let himself be willing to be willing to do it, to go however far for the band. so it all boils back down to the band. please pardon me, i felt bandy.
express yourself {9:39 PM}
